So Twitter wants me back.

My step-mom’s way of asking me if I can post the pictures from my sister’s bridal shower.

While on the phone with my mother planning my sister’s wedding shower:

Me: “I’m sorry, I have to take you to the bathroom with me.”

Mom: “That’s okay.”

Me: “Mom. There’s blood in my poop.”

Mom: “What did you eat today?”

Me: “Nothing that was bloody.”

Mom: “Are you on your period?”

Me: “No and also that would probably not be coming out of this hole.”

Mom: “Do you have a hemmorhoid?”

Me: “I don’t even know what that is.”

Mom: “You would know if you had one.”

Me: “Oh well, I’ll just see how things are going next time.”

Mom: “I can’t focus on anything now that I know you’re bleeding from your rectum.”

The only explanation: this man has named his ears Bruno and Brutus, and created Facebook profiles for each of them.

Cleared out the 46 drafted-but-not-sent emails on my Gmail account and found this AOL Instant Messenger gem between MK and me in 2010:

MK: ANYWAY
MK: what do you think of ______?

Me: uh he looked alright

MK: he’s so beautiful
MK: they tell me he looks like a lesbian, though

Me: love the book section.
Me: though I have a feeling naked lunch is only on there because of perks of being a wallflower
Me: there’s no way he stumbled across that shit
Me: no one stumbles across naked lunch these days unless they’re on a fucking mission

MK: please come get my drunk

Me: your drunk? I want my own

Lit tip: read Tao Lin with a handle of moonshine and take a shot every time you come across the phrase “neutral facial expression.”

Good examples of why I shouldn’t use OKC.

Man at hardware store: “I bet you like praise and worship music.”

What I wanted to say: “Not unless it is to praise and worship the devil.”

What I actually said: “I like rock and roll.”

Step-mom: “I think it should be mandatory that anyone receiving food stamps or welfare be drug-tested.”

Dad: “Florida’s starting that.”

Me: “And you know what they’ve found? Alarmingly, most people on welfare and food stamps AREN’T using drugs! But I think it’s great that we’re all privileged enough that we can form these stereotypes about the poor like they are the Others and have nothing in common with us, nor could we ever be them. I’m glad we’re this blessed, even if they’re not.”

Step-mom: “Well I think it’s great that you think you know everything about the world at the young age of 21.”

Me: “Oh, I’m 22 actually.”

Me: We are completely compatible music- and literature-wise I kind of want to ask him if he wants to go out and buy matching cream-colored turtlenecks and read over my shoulder for the rest of our lives.

MK: Omg do it please

Me: Nah… better not.